Please hold….I’m being judged.

In this modern world we live in there seem to be two camps of people. Those that embrace the blessings of modern yuppiness and those that do not. Much like the “in crowd” culture of high school, there are those that are in and those that use their powers of judgment to try to make themselves feel better than those people who are “in” the in-crowd. While we all try to kid ourselves that we are all “so over” high school, we still participate in the bizarre rituals of judged and judger. This morning, unfortunately, I was on the receiving end of the judgment. While ordering my chai tea latte in an independent coffee shop I made the most insidious guffaw of ordering a “grande chai tea latte.” Immediately, the two piercing-clad, white dread-locked coffee baristas (who looked like two coffee-trolls they had been drudged from the underground espresso pits) stopped steaming their milk and stared. The cashier, probably out of what she thought was sheer decency looked tentatively at me and with fake naiveté said, “What’s a grande…..? Is it like a medium?” Good lord girl! Don’t pretend you don’t know what a “grande” coffee is? Even if you were dragged out of an espresso cave you would at least have been somewhat indoctrinated in coffee terminology. Last I heard they were putting in at least 5 Starbucks in troll-land. Right as I recovered the awkward silence by saying, “Oh, I’m sorry. A medium. You know, there are so many coffee places and they all have different names for the sizes….it is hard to keep track….blah, blah, b.s, b.s.b.s.bs…just don’t say the ‘S’ word (Starbucks, that is)” my cell phone rang. It was my dear friend from work who responding to my test message “Want Chai?” And, so I committed cardinal sin #2 of independent coffee shop visiting: answering the cell phone while ordering coffee. Although I assured the cashier that I was merely getting the order of a friend to see if she wanted coffee, again the drone of the coffee trolls milk steaming grinded to a halt. All three exchanged “the look” of coffee-martyrdom. (I am counting the cashier…they didn’t spontaneously multiply.) This is the look of “I slave over hot roasted beans for the cause of coffee even though it is a lost cause because Starbucks is taking over the world and we have to deal with people like you who are one of ‘those people’.” After submitting to the angry stares of the halted baristas, I yelled at my friend to hurry up and make a decision. After getting off the phone I was met with the glowing red eyes of the coffee cashier—who tried her best to be polite to my urchin-of-a-human-being-self. (I must also mention that I was the only one in the coffee shop.) After ordering another Chai I shamefully scurried to the side-bar to await my Chai. Now, why, must I ask was I being judged for a slight slip of the tongue and gathering more business for their company? If I were at Starbucks and was receiving an order for another cup of coffee would they have even blinked an eye? One misnomer and I am labeled a card-carrying member of the yuppie-elite. Why? Why the judgment? Why must we live in a world of coffee cheerleaders and coffee bra burners? Why the madness? Why the trolls? I just want a cup of coffee. And, dare I be so McDemanding, but maybe with a smile?